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【TOP 50】Phyllis Diller Quotes - WhatsApp Status | Page-1

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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

American Comedian Baseball Funny Quote of the Day

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor - Phyllis Diller Quotes

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual - Phyllis Diller Quotes

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual

Anger

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day - Phyllis Diller Quotes

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass - Phyllis Diller Quotes

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

American Comedian Boyfriend Funny

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

American Comedian Funny

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

American Comedian Funny

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto - Phyllis Diller Quotes

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with,

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? we have no enemies

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

American Comedian Children Funny

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

American Comedian Children Funny

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend theyÃ¢â¬â¢re early, so naturally youÃ¢â¬â¢re not ready. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend theyÃ¢â¬â¢re early, so naturally youÃ¢â¬â¢re not ready.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half - Phyllis Diller Quotes

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once - Phyllis Diller Quotes

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type - Phyllis Diller Quotes

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type

Blood

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag - Phyllis Diller Quotes

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Phyllis Diller Quotes

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

American Comedian Crisis Funny

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

American Comedian Funny

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

American Comedian Children Funny

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing - Phyllis Diller Quotes

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

American Comedian Football Funny Quote of the Day

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core - Phyllis Diller Quotes

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Smile

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing

Kids

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me - Phyllis Diller Quotes

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

American Comedian Funny

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

American Comedian Funny

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age / as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age / as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move - Phyllis Diller Quotes

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you - Phyllis Diller Quotes

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard - Phyllis Diller Quotes

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser - Phyllis Diller Quotes

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didnÃ¢â¬â¢t do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didnÃ¢â¬â¢t do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

I remember that I fainted. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

I remember that I fainted.

If that's the best joke in the world, then I've never had a face-lift. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

If that's the best joke in the world, then I've never had a face-lift.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

He was in the air most of the time ... on the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

He was in the air most of the time ... on the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.

He was very much at home in the TV studio or on stage live anywhere; that is where he really lived. And, you know what, it was never a chore for him. It was never nerve-racking. He was always so completely prepared by his tremendous organization that he had put together, - Phyllis Diller Quotes

He was very much at home in the TV studio or on stage live anywhere; that is where he really lived. And, you know what, it was never a chore for him. It was never nerve-racking. He was always so completely prepared by his tremendous organization that he had put together,

Home

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? - Phyllis Diller Quotes

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

American Comedian Funny Words

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